my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
