She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize