So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
