I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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