apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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