im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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