Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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