just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
