I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
