Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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