then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
