life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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