found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
