i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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