i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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