I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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