That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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