ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
