Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
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How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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