Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
