I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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