She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
