he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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