my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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