cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
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Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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