this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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