using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
