Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
