So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
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She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
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New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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