my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
