Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
