I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
