I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
