My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
