What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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