i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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