Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
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You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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