Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
