so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
