We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
