im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
