You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
