While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
