How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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