just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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