she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
