he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
