So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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