..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
