I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
