My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I need moral support for this bender
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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