I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
