and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
