There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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