Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
