halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
