Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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